2. Yoghurts are also borderline orgasmic. 

3. Women skip around a lot when they are on their period.

4. On that same theme, Mother Nature is an irritating woman with a bad accent who pops up when you least want her to. 

5. Injury claim companies are run by creepy looking gangsters. Wait, that one might be true...

6. Babies are always being cute and giggly. 

7. Breastfeeding is a really calming, enjoyable experience.

8. Cereal can dance. 

9. Wearing perfume or aftershave makes you irresistible to the opposite sex, even if it smells disgusting. 

10. Peter Andre shops at Iceland. Ha!

Got any more? Give me something to read in the ad break... 

Ah right, I should probably talk you through it. Here's why I feel like I might have been replaced in my sleep by a better version of me...

Weird food

I am eating actual real food that my mum has deemed 'posh'. Salmon bagels in the morning. Bloody homemade cucumber sandwiches for lunch. I'm planning on making an actual fish pie instead of buying one in a ready meal pack that takes two minutes to heat. I eat olives now, for Christ's sake. Who the hell do I think I am?

I am a girl who is afraid of tupperware (it's OK, I'm sticking to foil), who hasn't made my own lunch since I was 7 (though back then my mum made it, but you know what I mean) and who thinks a perfect breakfast is a bowl of Coco Pops. I don't even know what triggered this madness but it's happening and I can't seem to stop (though I am still eating Mini Eggs like there's no tomorrow, or Easter, ever).

Crazy hair

I have worn my hair down twice in one week. Yes, OMG. I wore it down once last year, I think; it was for a first date and I was feeling brave. I regretted it all day because when you wear your hair down, you have to flick it out of the way EVERY SINGLE MINUTE or else your neck overheats, or your hair goes flat and suddenly you're not a real woman anymore, you're just a poor excuse of one who should have brought a hairband just in case. 

Anyway, this is big news for anyone who knows me (especially to those who follow my old, now anon, blog) and what's weird is, I feel OK about it. It felt nice. I felt like a girl. I don't do it in the daytime, mind; can't be arsed with that nonsense in the morning. Flicky hair works much better with wine.

New feet

I have bought and worn actual shoes. I hate shoes. I only wear open-toed sandals of the very strappy and supportive variety (supportive without being from Clarks, though) or boots. There is no in between. Except for slippers, but as yet they haven't hit the fashion shows so I can't wear them outside. 

The shoes did hurt my feet, I admit. I wore them out to the most dancey place in London I know, and now my big toes feel like they have been stamped on repeatedly by concrete, but it's OK. Because this makes me a normal girl (even if they were flats. Heels ain't gonna happen.) and this is what we do.

Happy thoughts

I'm not angry every day. Last year, and maybe the year before that, and definitely the year before that, I felt angry a lot. I was stressed a lot, I was seeing red every which way and generally felt pissed off with the world. I still think the world could do with a few improvements (where are the world's New Year's resolutions, eh?) but all in all things are better. I feel almost serene, when I'm not stupidly busy, but at least I'm not stupidly busy with stupid thoughts anymore - or at least I am, but only for about 10% of the time. It's most bizarre and I don't know how long it will last, but I am going to enjoy it while it does. 

Older and wiser?

 

I'm not freaked out by being 27 (mostly). My birthday was brilliant - I spent it with friends who actually seem to care that I'm OK, who want to come out and dance their socks off with me, and who make me feel so happy and comfortable in my own skin that I'm trying not to pinch myself whenever I see them. Wow, group hug moment. 

This year my birthday was not about getting old, it was about having fun - and even though I keep thinking 'Wow, today is the oldest I have ever been' and checking for wrinkles, another more positive, smart-aleck side of my brain then quipps 'And it's also the youngest you're ever going to be again, ha ha!' (someone also pointed this out on Twitter - thanks, someone). And when I think of it like that, I think every day is really quite enjoyable. WHO AM I? 

Don't get me wrong, I can still be grumpy, and get cross when a commuter puts a bag on a seat or when the milk runs out at 4pm just as I need a cuppa. But what's different is I have a bit of hope for this year - I'm in a good place, my parents are about to move to a good place, I have six weddings to go to this year proving 2013 is all about romance - and my friend's psychic reckons someone beginning with J might meet her husband this year. Ryan Gosling, I'm right this way. 

...a little more action puh-lease. This year, I decided, is all about doing stuff. It sounds simple but it's not something I'm used to. I have a habit, partly learned from my wonderful parents, of talking about all the things I'd like to do. All the things that will happen in the future 'one day'. But then the future comes and I'm not sure why I haven't done them yet...

I tend to rely on other people to help me make things happen; I'd rather experience something with a friend than on my own, whether it's a holiday, or a film, or a walk or an evening class, so I try to arrange with them - but if it falls through I drop it rather than doing it by myself. And what happens? I wind up disappointed and missing out.

I'm not saying I'm not independent - among my friends I think I'm one of the most independent in that I'll go to places on my own, I don't need babysitting on a night bus to get somewhere and will happily trek across London alone at 4am (sorry mum, don't worry!) and I like to have plenty of my own company. But when it comes to the big stuff, I rarely achieve anything by myself that I can look back on and say woohoo, I did that. (And yes, I actually do say 'woohoo' in real life).

Last year I did a better job of this - I did Spanish by myself and met some great friends because of it; I put myself out there and did a bit of freelancing in the print world which, with the help of a kind and patient editor, I did without issues.

So this year I plan to do it even bigger and better. I'm planning holidays that suit me, not just everyone else. I'm working on the stuff I want to do and that I feel shapes my career, not just anything that comes my way. I'm getting fit slowly but surely, in a way that I enjoy and not how everyone else does. To be awfully cringe-inducingly cheesy, I'm making it happen... I just need to make a list of those 'its' to do...

I hate shoes. You know what shoes are? They're prisons for the feet, that's what they are. They're tight and uncomfortable and they dig into your ankles, rub your toes until they bleed and make walking painful. If I could live in slippers all day, I would. 

This isn't a new thing for me but after a recent event where I had to wear actual shoes instead of my preferred boots, as well as one shopping trip too many that made me miserable due to the lack of choice, I felt the need to rant. You've been warned...

Size matters

Most girls love shoes. Apparently this stems from the fact that your shoe size doesn't change no matter how much weight you put on over Christmas or how many Easter eggs you eat. But for me, size is part of the issue. Being tall, I am a size eight (in shoe, sadly not dress size) - have you ever tried to find shoes in the sale that are a size eight? The ones that are left are usually ugly, loafer-type shoes or huge wedges that I wouldn't be seen dead in. Screw you, size fives.

Heels are hell

Then there's the heel issue. I can't walk in heels. Hell, I can't even stand in them. Recently someone advised me not to go to a black tie event unless I was going to wear heels (I ignored them, and it was fine, apart from then having to wear flat shoes that cut my feet) which, had they been right, would have really made me angry - talk about discrimination! Of course, men also like women in heels, and therefore I feel less attractive than my stiletto-loving friends. How is it fair that pain-inducing accessories should make me feel like less of a woman? It isn't, is it?

Stilettos aren't everything

None of the above would really be a problem if only there was enough choice out there, but as every dreaded shoe shopping trip has taught me, it's near impossible to find feminine, non-bulky flat boots. In the summer it's fine - open toe gladiators and sandals are lifesavers, but for the rest of the year, and for clubbing (no idiot wears open toe shoes clubbing) I have to look like the odd one out. Is it so much to ask that the people who design these beautiful looking high heels spare a few hours to design a boot that's light and girly,  pretty and elegant, without a high heel? And don't even get me started on shoe boots...

So that's why I hate shoes. In fact, their only redeeming feature is that they cover my other hate: feet. More on that later...

P.S. Sorry Charley :)

Less than an hour ago I was saying how I could do with some more time to do all the little ideas racing around my head. Then I opened my Emerald Street email that I'd flagged in my inbox earlier and made my life a little more difficult by checking out Incredibox. Goodbye, productivity! Hello, new toy!

Incredibox is an app which, as far as I can see, has no real use other than to entertain. Just what I need - another site to get hooked on. But this is so much fun -  all you do is create your own little boyband (sadly no early Take That-style dance moves here) by dragging and dropping the various options in beats, melodies, effects and vocals onto the animated men and there you have it, you're creating your own music. You can record what you create, share it and play their bonus clips which so far I've found are songs that they've made themselves. 

Pointless? Yes. Entertaining? Double yes. No matter what you mix together, whether it's mostly beats or one of each of the categories, nothing sounds bad. I love the little touches such as the men's eyes following the mouse on both the homepage and the composing section, and the different hats and costumes each character is wearing. Definitely one to bookmark!

What sites do you use for a bit of time out?

I didn't write any New Year's resolutions this year - at least, not here - because the ones from 2011 pretty much still stand and were well worth keeping up. But, 2012 has been hectic so far and it doesn't look like it will slow down anytime soon, so I thought I'd share what I've been up to...

Ticking the 'Over 25' box

In January I turned 26, which is terrifying for obvious reasons. I'm closer to 30 than 20. I should probably start using eye cream. I still haven't accomplished any of what in my mind I would by the time I reached this age, and still feel 21 at heart. So naturally, I was dreading this birthday a little - but funnily enough, it was quite possibly my best ever. OK, so in all the Christmas rush I forgot to take the day off work for it (muppet), but I planned a night out at LVPO and invited pretty much everyone I know in the hope that maybe a handful would show up, and was overwhelmed by how many friends came along. I danced like a moron (see previous 21-at-heart comment), saw people I hadn't seen in 6 months or more and generally had a brilliant night. Yay!

Learning some moves

I've been moaning about getting fit for a while now, and while I wait for WaterCrew classes to return to London (or until someone buys me a WaterRower - those things are SO expensive!), I've been getting fit the fun way with Zumba. Now, I know that this word is everywhere, together with quite irritating pictures of people looking like they're laughing AND exercising (freaks) but it actually is brilliant. And you will laugh. As a lover of all things Shakira, the music is right up my street and even if I am wearing a sports bra and lame trainers, I love the moves and little shimmies that are involved. It's fun, energetic and not too expensive - fitness win. (Plus, Wahanda have offers on Zumba pretty often. And you can use JJ21 for 10% off anything. You're welcome.)

Blogging, blogging, blogging

I know I'm not the most dedicated of bloggers when it comes to this site - but the thing is, I'm writing for lots of other sites too! In February I was very happy to start writing for the brilliant folks at Aigua Media - they have such a great range of sites and I'm proud to be part of it. So, tune in to sites like Dollymix and Kiss and Makeup to see me writing about television, break-up songs and much much more. And of course check out their other sites such as Catwalk Queen, Shoewawa and The Bag Lady. You won't be disappointed!

Continuing to not understand men

Yep, I still don't get them. After countless chats with my ever-patient girlfriends about one guy who, despite me liking him (and him displaying signs of liking me but then disappearing again), I have had to put in the Never Going To Happen file, and very little else going on, I am still very single and a bit bored of it - last year I enjoyed it, but now it just seems so 2011. Add to that a very, very random bunch of flowers landing on my desk on Valentine's Day, with nothing but a weird quote from Keates (thanks Twitter for telling me), and I'm as baffled as ever. (Please, can someone own up? Thanks!)

Plotting and planning

This year, I promised myself I would see more and do more (yeah, maybe I did make a little resolution after all) - so I've been planning my getaways. Fingers crossed they happen; I've got my ticket secured for Hideout Festival in Croatia (aka the new Ibiza, although frankly, who needs a new Ibiza when you already have awesome original Ibiza?), plans to visit my friend in Dubai, tickets for Blood Brothers, and the lineup for Lovebox is looking pretty good too. This year is going to fly by, isn't it?

Did you start any New Year's resolutions this year? How are they going?

My mouth has got me into trouble quite a few times. From telling my sister when I was 8 that I saw a ghost in our room (sorry, not true) to saying a bit too much on what would otherwise have been the best date ever (still gutted, and pretty sure that’s the reason it ended there!), I tend to be a bit too honest for my own good. 

When I was little, I generally agreed with anything my sister said, even if it meant lying; but then I got older, realised I had an opinion and kind of lost sight of what was helpful and honest and what was just better left unsaid. I'm not talking just the little things, like whether or not you like the wooly jumper your nan got you for Christmas (a white lie never hurt anyone, as they say), but also the bigger things. Do you stand up for yourself if you think someone's done you wrong? Do you tell someone if you think they're wasting their time on someone or something? I seem to lack that filter of when to keep it buttoned and while I LOVE honesty in other people and see it as part of having a backbone, I'm not sure I should always spill the beans.

Recently I’ve either said too much to someone and regretted it (like round the dinner table this Christmas, telling my sister she’s blatantly the tougher, meaner one in her relationship – oops) or heard people moaning about in-laws or friends who just need to keep their thoughts to themselves, even if they do mean well. I’m glad it’s not just me that has honestitis, but at what point do you hold back? I seem to be surrounded by people with strong opinions, which I think is great (far better than an ignorant drip round the dinner table) but sometimes it seems no one wants to hear mine…

Whether it’s about babies (don’t do it like that), men (he’s clearly a prick), family (you’ve made the wrong decision), or work (that’s not how I’d do it), it’s really hard to get the balance right between getting your voice heard and giving good advice, and hurting someone’s feelings – or just making them plain angry.

When do you keep your lips sealed and when do you speak up?

Yes, it’s the obligatory look-back-at-the-year post that everyone does but it’s been quite a year so it deserves it, don't you think? There haven’t been as many changes as I’d hoped for but I’ve ticked off a few things from the to-do list, more so than I have in any other year. There have been a decent number of ups, a few too many downs but it was a huge improvement on 2010… so, 2012, can you do better than this? 

In 2011, I:

Learned Spanish

Ok, so I haven’t learned ALL the Spanish there is to learn, but I made a start, which is fairly impressive for me – I’m generally all talk when it comes to aspirations. I did level one and two with Cactus language and am hoping I can stretch some pennies to cover level three in the new year so I can get further than just ‘I’m from England’ and ‘walk straight on’. Seriously.

Revisited Ibiza

...and had the best holiday of my life. I may say this every time I go to another country (I love to travel, in case you’d missed that) but seriously, this really was the best.  I discovered Flower Power at Pacha, I partied every single night, I forgot all about home troubles and really, well and truly had fun. I also met some great people and one who I still think about a little too often, but that's another story...

Got my second nephew! 

Brandon is quite possibly the cutest baby ever (don’t tell the other nephew) and is also the easiest to look after – having spent the last week with him I have been dubbed by my family as ‘good with kids’ a ‘natural mum’ and if Brandon could speak I am sure he would say I am pretty goddamn funny, because he smiles a LOT.

Had my first ever feature published in print 

I freelance whenever I can and this year I was lucky enough to write for Expert Beauty, for their special issue during Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Writing all about boobs and what the risks are when it comes to this horrid disease, not only did I learn a lot, but I learned more about the ways of freelancing and felt more like a journalist than ever. More to come next year!

Went to my first UK festival

Yes, I donned my boots (I never have owned wellies) and went down to Brighton for the Shakedown festival and partied in the rain like a true music-loving Brit. Ed Sheeran and Example were brilliant, the toilet queues were not so brilliant, but all in all I loved it and can't wait to do some more festivals next year, funding-dependent.

Sadly, it wasn't all good in 2011 - there was plenty of bad stuff going on too. From supporting my parents as they put their all into setting up a business, having it pretty much sabotaged by an evil woman who shall have to remain nameless and then comforting them when it went horribly wrong and left them both ill, to then saying goodbye to my hometown, officially, after they had to move due to business/job changes/landlord changes, I stressed myself out way too much with their problems as well as mine. Plus I discovered that being single is often tough; being single when none of your friends are is tougher. Booo. 

But, all is not lost - 2011 was better than 2010 by miles, and though I am about to turn 26 (holy crapola) I am planning a pretty fantastic and travel-tastic 2012 already. Wish me luck!

Everyone always asks what you got for Christmas, but we don’t really do presents for myself and my sisters now, and rightfully so (though I did get a perfume, thanks mum and dad, you rock). We treat my over-excited nephews instead, and as I am the single one with no mouths to feed other than my own Malteser-loving one I tend to buy for parents too, with something small for the sisters. So instead of telling you what I got for Christmas, which to be honest I hate hearing from people (er, boasting much?!), I thought I’d share what I gave - you never know, it might help you when shopping next year...

For mum: 

My mum is beauty-obsessed, and clearly where I got my passion for makeup from. I always treat her to something beauty related as well as giving her freebies throughout the year (very lucky I can do that thanks to my job, occasionally) so this year I gave a mixture. First up was Divaderme brush-on lashes (on a Wahanda deal, of course), and she absolutely loves them. I have to say I am impressed she puts them on so well, as I had Twitter feedback that it was fiddly, but she seems to have got the hang of it very quickly and won't stop talking about them. Tick! 

Next up was Benefit’s Foam Cleanser, which she loves after trying out their new range when I got her a sample set in the summer. For a woman who won’t step away from her Clinique, Estee Lauder and Clarins creams, this is an achievement for  me – I've got her hooked on affordable yet lovely skincare! I also got her the latest Nicholas Sparks book, a makeup bag for all those cosmetics and a perfume called Tous that came from a beauty journalist friend and that smelt fresh and dewy. Double tick!

For dad: 

My dad hates sport, doesn’t do much gardening and rejects most new helpful gadgets so can be tricky to buy for, so this year I went for tried and trusted presents. A cord shirt from Marks and Sparks’ Blue Harbour range, a book on motorbikes, and an Amazon voucher all went down very well to start with, and then I gave a meditation CD from Meditainment (thanks Twitter for the recommendation) because I want him and my mum to learn how to relax in 2012... it's about time they put their feet up and stopped worrying so I'm showing them how it's done!

For the 2 year old nephew:

A jacket with detachable sleeves from Matalan, aka the queen of affordable baby clothes - I love that place and always find something good for the kids in there. I also found bathtub crayons on the almighty Amazon so he can draw in the bath ( I want some too!) and a Fireman Sam backpack. Smiles all round.

For the 3 month old nephew: 

A very very very cute outfit, also from Matalan, and some nursery cube thingies that were Winnie the Pooh branded from M&S – overpriced but supersoft and will look lovely in his new nursery, even if he has no idea what to do with them...

For the grandparents:

My dear grandparents needed cheering up so I used Interflora to send them a hamper this year - I'd never done it before as I worried they were too fussy to like much in any of them but they were so happy with it (I heard how amazing the basket was about ten times, anyway) that I think I'll be doing that every year from now on. Easy!

I couldn't leave out my two older sisters and their partners, so they got an Amazon voucher (seriously, isn’t Amazon just amazing?) and chocolate coins. Can’t go wrong!

The best bit about this Christmas was having all the family around - cheesy, but true - but I do love knowing that I've got someone a gift that they really love. What did you give this year that you’re a bit proud of? Go on, give me ideas for next year…

I've been a bit quiet on the blogging front recently; life tends to get in the way a bit, as does a good old dose of the blues and a snowstorm of change going on around me that doesn't allow time to think, let alone write the slippery thoughts down. I've always had a bit of a grudge against change, but for once I am coming around to the idea... even if it does mean my world keeps turning upside down a little. Melodramatic, me?

With my parents about to leave my beloved hometown for good, a best friend living on another continent and a crazy work life, the last couple of months haven't been the easiest - particularly when I am also the only single one of my friends, with no other half to lend me a shoulder when things get a little bumpy. Everyone is moving on in some way and I appear to be the only one staying still - not a great feeling, particularly when I am one of those thinky types. Funny how writers usually are, eh?

But, the parentals are doing the right thing after a long long stretch of bad luck, the beauty of Skype means no one is ever unreachable and I have achieved one of my New Year's resolutions to write something I'm proud of - my first ever print feature, for Expert Beauty no less, and about breast awareness in light of October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I'm just hoping it's the first of many and that's not it for my career in journalism! So I haven't been neglecting the blog for no good reason (though I still feel a tad guilty)  - and I have a few more reasons to post about too, so if you haven't given up on me just yet, stay tuned.

So hello change - maybe I can deal with you after all...

With Friends officially off our screens (until they do a film, no doubt) and someone in my Twitter timeline reminding me of the, er, star that is Samantha Mumba this evening, I got thinking about the nineties (as I often do, actually). The nineties were bloody brilliant. We all got mobile phones, Gameboys, Walkmans, and spent our Saturday mornings watching Live & Kicking and Kenan & Kel. It was amazing. 

Even better though was the music; from the best boybands ever (East 17, 5ive and Backstreet Boys for those of you looking blank) to the arrival of the Spice Girls, every time I hear music from that wonderful decade I can't help but smile. It probably helps that I was growing up at the time so unlike my parents who were still hoping Cliff Richard would make it back in the charts, I was busy learning the words to the Saved by the Bell theme tune and dancing to Gina G in my friend's bedroom (true story).

As well as adding some of the greatest hits to mine and Emma's Spotify Musical Prozac list, I thought I'd mention a few of the nineties tunes that you may have forgotten. Seeing as Take That, Hanson and even New Kids on the Block have made a comeback in recent years, I personally hope some of the following crop up on The X Factor sometime and give their 'I was famous once' sob story...

The Honeyz

A poor man's Eternal, they could have been like Destiny's Child, but... they weren't. But they did have attitude and that's why Won't Take It Lying Down is awesome, even if the video does look like a car advert. 

Big Brovaz

Don't worry, they're not all going to end with a super cool 'z'. I saw these live and they could sing and everything. Honestly.  Shame about the songs, but I still loved Baby Boy (and its Friends inspired video) and I definitely have their album somewhere...

Samantha Mumba

Huge kudos to the guy who reminded me of this one... I mean how could we forget all those hits? OK, there were only about three. Maybe two. But Always Come Back to Your Love is a catchy little number. And just look at those complex dance moves! Add to Spotify, tick.

Whigfield

Well, you can't get ready for a Saturday Night without them, can you?

Mark Morrison

The remake of Return of the Mack makes me mourn the nineties more than anything. Is NOTHING sacred anymore? This version was underage-disco-tastic.

Obviously, these are not the actual best artists from the nineties but the point is, we don't want to forget anyone. From the bloody awful Cotton Eye Joe to the bloody brilliant denim-clad B*Witched (who have also attempted a comeback with weird Fifth Element hair), there is just too much to mention. If only TOTP could be put on repeat somewhere. E4, now that you've got space...?

What are your favourite nineties memories?