Oh, what's the point? That seemed to be the feeling among a lot of the contestants last night as the fifth live show limped off to a terrible start, beginning the night as the most underwhelming show since Flashforward. It was like being back at week one again in terms of talent only without the excitement. Despite the grim faces, everyone kept saying 'I'm having the time of my life' tonight, so I assume they watched Dirty Dancing during the week for cheesy pointers. My highlight was (apart from Matt) when Wagner thanked the judges for being there as if they were doing it out of the kindness of their hearts. Bless you Wagner.
Cher Lloyd
ASBO girl is back! We heard she was going to kill - sorry - sing Empire State of Mind before last night but I have to say I expected more. They dressed her in something a twelve year old girl from Peckham might wear and sat her on top of a piano where she looked very uncomfortable, probably because the notes were a bit off and a bit too long for her. She seems more confident when she raps and others are on stage but all in all, I agreed with Simon - after last week, this was rubbish.
Tesco Mary
It had to happen sometime. Mary started by saying she's done 'pubs, clubs, dumps' - all right Mary, no need to go that far. Then she came on and tried to sing There You'll Be and it was terrible. It didn't suit her voice at all, the notes seemed flat and she sounded bored to tears (or perhaps just petrified at knowing how bad it sounded). I swear she even spoke a bit of it, rather than sang. Louis was seen clapping like a complete fruitcake while Mary looked like she was going to crumble on stage. Also, how annoying are the audience?
Katie Weasel
As if we haven't been punished enough already, it's Katie's turn next. And she's going to murder, with her bare vocal chords, one of my favourite songs: Don't Speak by No Doubt. I assume this is based on the weak comment Simon made that she sounds like Gwen Stefani (she doesn't, and poor Gwen probably swore never to sing again after that comparison). We had to watch an awful video of her trying to act in the background, while on stage she looked, again, like a lost sheep whose head hadn't been sheared yet (the hair was bad). She was dressed like sexy Sandra Dee pulled through a bush backwards, and her husky-voice card can only be played so many times. She was also cocky enough to talk back to Simon, who then said she's not a whinger. Errrrm...
Aiden
Thank goodness for Aiden, I was beginning to lose the will to live. Lovely, intense, slightly scary but still hot Aiden came out next and sang Nothing Compares To You - an awesome song and he did it justice. They'd obviously told him to smile more because he kept throwing in a little grin, which was sweet but a bit weird for the song - but his vocal was amazing. Not sure why they felt the need to engulf him with flames halfway through the song though. Chezza has changed her mind after seeing that, actually, everyone loves him, and says 'she accepts' that the intense thing is 'his' thing. How gracious. And we accept that the try-hard ghetto Barbie thing is your thing, Cheryl. Carry on, won't you.
Paije
The show just gets better with Paije up next - maybe this was a smart move after all. Bore us at the beginning, let us get our dinner, then complete the show with all the goodies. Paije is so underestimated in this competition - he is consistent in his vocals and always performs well, and he's even sorted his clothes out and has a decent image. Singing I'm a Believer and Hey Ya (mash ups are just so 2010), he kicked some energy into the show and even did a little Olly Murs wiggle. Love him.
Rebecca
So, I think they put Paije on before Rebecca as a little caffeine boost to keep us going. Her voice is so. slow. I. can't. stay. awake. If they could just put what Paije has in a bottle and forcefeed it to Rebecca, we'd be OK. Anyway, Rebecca's American anthem is Make You Feel My Love which is a very sweet song but it makes me snooze. Plus, wasn't it overdone in bootcamp or did I just watch too many repeats? I don't dislike Rebecca - she's my kind of singer, but I need more from my music than a voice. Wake me up when she's putting some oomph into it.
Wagner
Poor Wagner is complaining to Louis that he doesn't pronounce his name properly and Louis just looks at him blankly then carries on. What a good start. Viva Las Vegas is the song of choice for Wagner tonight, not that it really matters. We all know what to expect by now. Bad styling, half naked women and out of tune singing... yes, that'll be Wagner. I still feel sorry for him and I thought Cheryl's whiney 'what can I say' moment was very rude. Meanwhile Simon liked it, much like when he changed his tune for Jedward, so we know it's not the end. Shame...
Matt
I believe I applaused at the television when this was on last night. Matt has now got star status after nailing The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, a very high pitched, slow song which deserved the Matt treatment as he has the perfect range for it. He really looks like he means it when he's singing (probably because he is singing it to me) and everyone was standing for him by the time he'd finished. Tiny details - his trousers were weird and the hat is still missing. Is anyone actually looking for it?
Treyc
Treyc thinks it doesn't matter if she has an image, she just knows she can sing and that's enough. Treyc is wrong - otherwise why would Cher be there? Singing Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith, another favourite of mine, Treyc didn't do that great this week. The judges said it was flawless as a vocal but I thought it was slightly off in places and weaker than her usual performances. She did look stunning though so her image from now on should maybe be ballgown and ballads... Leona, look out! Sadly I think that's the path she's on, so my hope of her forming a feisty girl band isn't going to happen. Also, Simon said something about wanting a lion to bite you and not lick you... that was awkward.
One Direction
For some reason we were subjected to at least one of them wearing only boxer shorts in the VT... urgh. The cocky sods also reiterated that they want to win. Well, tough shizzle little boys because you can't. Can they? God I hope not. Singing Kids in America, badly, the Justin Bieber quintet prowled around the stage and all bent down a lot at the same time, kind of like they had synchronised stomach cramps. How the judges haven't noticed they can't sing is beyond me. Simon did look like a proud dad at the end though, which was quite cute. Until he said they were like sunshine on a beautiful day and we all threw up.
Who's out tonight? Based on the show it should be Mary, Katie or Wagner, but I think it will be Katie and Treyc in the bottom two - sorry Traik, but the image is fairly important. Though if that happens, Cruella de Vil should be evicted, obviously...
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