Last week the judges failed us yet again and kept Katie Weasel in, sending home poor little Treyc who has no identity (which apparently isn't as good as being known because you're hated). This week, it's time for them to offend Elton John a little more by making him the theme - oh Simon, you really shouldn't have. No, really. I wasn't looking forward to this week (not the biggest Elton fan) and can't see how they're going to make this work. The judges' new buzz word is 'thread' too, which is still annoying. Here goes...

They're all excited about Harry Potter and Paije was an extra in one of the films. I wouldn't know because I can't stand HP and haven't seen a single one, sorry Paije. You were probably the best thing in it. After last week's very good upbeat number, they've kept with it and given him Crocodile Rock to sing.  The judges hated it. I didn't really enjoy it either - he was singing about some girl called Susie and it all felt a little children's entertainment to me, but it's Paije and I like him. Plus, the 'you focus on your other acts' comment from the judges is getting boring... new criticism please?

I can't help it, I love Aiden. He does a little nose-wrinkle thing which is unbelievably cute. Sorry, anyway... our little intense performer was on top of two pianos (tick) singing Rocket Man (er... tick??). I don't know the song too well but he seemed to nail it, and Simon was right about him having 'presence' (though he should NEVER say 'swagger' again) - he completely commands the stage and draws you in. Tick. Hopefully enough to keep him in - I do worry that other Cheryl-type muppets won't get him.

Tesco Mary was terrible last week. In my opinion she's not been that great since forever but people still seem to love her - it's SuBo all over again. Singing Can You Feel the Love Tonight was a mistake because it was a total snoozefest. I'm surprised the overly noisy audience didn't deafen us with a collective snore. Then again, it's hard to sleep when that racket is going on. Mary is one of those singers who is a bit too shouty and a bit too plain. Also, Dannii may not be the best singer in the world but she knows when something is in tune, so pipe down Louis. Meanwhile Simon said it worked because she has a heart, which to me is like saying you fancy someone because they are breathing, no?

It wasn't a bad dream, she really is still here. And she sang Saturday Night, which I'm sure thrilled Treyc wherever she is. I'll give her one thing - she looked better tonight, as she looked more like the (annoying) girl we met in the first audition, at which point I thought she was going to do a Madonna tribute act but at least she had a 'look'. Though I think they are probably just trying to get us to like her by making her seem down to earth. It's not going to work thanks to the media attention and the fact she can't sing though, so she may as well be voted off now.  Please?

Sigh. He forgot to put the hat on again. My patience is running out a little on that one. He better wear it when he wins in the final or else there'll be trouble. Matt sang a lovely song that I haven't heard of (told you I'm not a fan) and, assuming that's the tune, he did a pretty damn amazing job. After last week he could sing Postman Pat and I'd still love him but he really does perform like someone who has been in the industry for a while. I would quite like him to do a song with less long, drawn out notes though - what with that and the barmy audience it can be a bit much sometimes.

Obviously Cher is special and couldn't possibly just sing one Elton John song, so they mixed it up in what is to be known the series of mash-up mania. The singing bit wasn't bad - apart from the close-up that reveals just how much makeup is plastered on her face. Seriously, this girl does not look 17 and will probably be on Botox by next year. I also dislike the facial expressions (all two of them) that she insists on doing as she sings - either she is scowling or she's trying to look sincere, but actually looks like she's spotted an audience member she wants to beat up. Simon reckons she isn't cocky so obviously wasn't paying attention to the VT where she yet again talked about winning the show. Humble as a mouse, this one. 

He's still trying and Louis still can't pronounce his name. The irony wasn't lost on us that he sang I'm Still Standing, and then of course he had to make it a medley (he is Louis' act after all) with Circle of Life. Yes, I know that one, it's Disney. I'm not sure what was supposed to be happening behind him at this point because when I wasn't distracted by the awful singing, I was distracted by the terrible dancers that were grinding around him, but I think some woman was being lifted up in a hammock. I feel very sorry for Wagner these days and love that he grins through all the bad comments as if he's happier than ever. Maybe he is?

If you don't already, you have GOT to be on Twitter when One Direction sing, if for no one else. Wand Erection as they are known by tweeps were busy drooling over Emma Watson this week and then chose a ballad complete with microphone stands to 'prove they can sing'. I have issues with these boys. Firstly, they are actual boys. None of them look a day over 12, and who wants to see 12 year olds sing? Not me. Curly is cocky but does have a lovely voice, Lee Ryan 2 looks like he's going to cry when it's not his turn to sing, and the one with what could be a growing-out bowl cut has the most annoying face that I can't get over it. No Simon, I don't think they will win... 

Rebecca is pretending she's concerned she might mess it up in the VT, which we all know is rubbish because no one has disliked her yet. Candle in the Wind is a very touching song so I guess they had to give it to someone who wouldn't ruin it. So why not give it to Matt? Sorry Rebecca but I don't think changing the tune is the same as making it your own. I do however like that she looks so classy, and then speaks and completely isn't. I know everyone loves her but she still has no oomph. Someone give her a red bull or something. 

Bottom two suggestions? I'd like to point out I was right last week, ahem, clap clap. I think time may be up for Wagner and Katie but that would be in a world where stuff makes sense - not X Factor. We shall see...